LORD....Burn Me!!!

When I decided to write a blog, I named it ~ several times. It was hard to come up with something that seemed right. Finally, I decided on Growth Is A Process....and I like it.

The past 2 weeks have been some of the most difficult days that I have had in quite a while. But through it all, I have learned some valuable lessons concerning myself.

It is 6 a.m., and I have not gone to sleep yet. I tried...but my mind was racing with so many troubling thoughts. I was wronged...by people that I loved...and it hurt my heart so much. I felt such anger...spite...and my mind kept warring with those who caused my pain. I wanted to say things to them. Then my mind got really busy!!! I wanted to run away....quit...never try again. My head hurt...my stomach hurt....I cried and cried till my eyes were almost swollen shut...and I was just so very angry!! It was not fair!!

In the past, I would have acted upon all of these emotions...and I almost did this time. But there was a difference this time. I did not want to give in to it like I had year after year. I did not want the misery that had plagued most of my adult life. So, I waited (for I have always been a person who would react too quickly, and was always sorry that I did!!)...and after I had several days to calm down and think about it, I knew where to turn to find the peace that I needed. And so I talked with the Lord....and He showed me things about myself that still needed to be worked on. Oh, I have improved greatly...but not to the point of perfecting the thoughts and reactions that I was feeling. And I appreciate that these things were pointed out to me because now I can jump back in and go back to working on the old Linda. She is not someone that I liked. And I will NOT let her back into my life. I like who I am becoming.

So I say "BURN ME LORD"....burn out all of the ugliness that has been within me for so long because through the fires of trials we grow. And I want to grow to be a pillar....a stone God can use. It did not take me so long this time to come around in my mind and heart the way the Lord would want me to act...and react.

I no longer am feeling the way I did for days. I can now go to bed....and sleep a good sleep. For now, the fires have gone out and I feel peace once again. And who knows, maybe there is something much better ahead for me. I am thankful that I know God is working on me. I would be scared to death if He wasn't!!!

Listen to garyandlindas Playlist

So many times, without meaning to, we bring such unnecessary pain upon ourselves. The past few days have been such torture for me, but today, my wise daughter, Denise Young, helped me see that I only needed to look at the things that were causing me such hurt in a different way....and from another's perspective.

She told me that I needed "to rest in Jesus". I know that I try to make everything "OK" on my own. I pray about matters....but I forget to leave it with Him. I keep picking up the burden and trying to make it work the way that I think is best. As Dr. Phil so often says, "How is that working for you?" The answer is "not very well.....not very well at all."

My intentions always seem so right to me.....I want to make everything right. But, I guess what I am guilty of is wanting to do right according to what I think....and perhaps that thinking is not in line with what the Lord would like. I do not want to work against the Lord....so I am going to work on learning to back up and "rest in Jesus." I know that will bring about better results without all the hurt. After all, no one knows better than HE!!

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!!! Today, Gary turns 60 years old. OMGness...where has the time gone?

I "discovered" Gary when I was 12 years old. We had just started going to Gospel Assembly Church when it was in downtown Houston. One night, before services started, Gary walks through the door at the front of the church to go to the band area. To this day, I cannot understand why I had not seen him before. But....I am so glad I saw him that night!!

My heart, at 12 years old, was taken. It sounds funny because I was so young, but I knew....I KNEW!! However, at that time, he was not reciprocating my feelings...LOL He was a 13 year old boy who was totally NOT interested. That did not daunt me at all. As silly little girls will do, I "chased" him shamelessly.

I would watch his every move....and when I would see him go out a door, I would run as fast as I could to make sure that we would meet up. Thinking about this now cracks me up!! hahaha I would get doors slammed in my face. Can't say I blame him....but that would leave me in tears. He would talk to other girls....and I would "die".

Four years later, when I was 16 years old, things began to change. I had a friend who was getting married to my cousin. It just so happened that Gary was friends with my cousin and was going to be in the wedding party. So.....my friend and I figured out that she would have me walk down the aisle with him.....which would have us walking arm in arm back up the aisle when the ceremony was over. How could it get any better!!! I was easy to please....arm in arm was good!!

I must say that I looked awesome that day in my beautiful peach brocade dress. And I could tell that Gary thought so too. :-) I just KNEW that night, after church service, he would finally ask me out. *sigh* He did not....and I was crushed.

However, it was not long before we became "an item".

We dated for a little over 2 years and then we got married. I was only 18...he was 19. This year, we have been married for 40 years. It blows my mind to think that so much time has passed!! I am so thankful that I still have him in my life. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!

Family Matters

I did not grow up with having a father at home....and that has always made me so sad. When I was around other children who had moms and dads at home, I thought they were the luckiest people in the whole world. My dream, as I grew older, was of having my own children and creating a family of my own. They would grow up...have children, etc. I dreamed of huge gatherings at our home for the holidays. It would be our turn, Gary and mine, to be the matriarchs of the family. It has not turned out that way at all......but there are still blessings to be had.

I have a mom, sister and 2 brothers....but they all live their separate lives, minus me. This has been so hard for me to deal with. I love all of them so much and would love to receive that back from them. However, for whatever reason, that has not been the case. Only recently has it come to me that I have to trust that God knows best.....because I know that He loves me and He knows the pain this has caused me. So, little by little, I am doing my best to let go.....and just trust. Not easy....not at all. But trust I must!!!

We have a daughter that goes years without us seeing her. No calls, no letters....nothing. We never know where she is or if they are ok.....a parents...and grandparents, nightmare!! She has 2 sons that we know little more than their names. Another heart pain that becomes unbearable at times........but God knows......and I must trust!!

I have spent years begging the Lord to bring these loved ones back into my life. If anything, it only gets worse. I may never know the reason why this has to be...but I am becoming more settled about it as I realize that He has heard all those prayers, seen all the tears...but this is what my life is to be. I must accept what is. He sees so much farther down the road than I do...and I must trust!!!

Not long ago I went through several days of heart wrenching tears because I was hurting so much over my family situation. I had been telling God that if He would speak to me about it I would do my very best to hear....and to listen. One day the thought came to me so clearly ~"Your family is right next door". So plain.......so overwhelming!!!

I realized then that I have spent so many years crying for what I did not have that I had not truly learnt to appreciate the 10 wonderful family members that live right across the driveway from us. Our oldest daughter, Denise, her husband Lloyd, and their 8 children have been with us all these years, yet I felt like we had no family. Shame on me for being so blinded!!

I feel like I can now place my focus where it should have been a long time ago. It does not do any of us any good at all to weep for what we do not have....to let it so consume our thoughts that we can hardly breathe...at least that was how it felt for me. These 10 "family" members are the most awesome people who have such love for each other......and most importantly, for the Lord. What more could a parent/grandparent hope for!!!

Placing My Thoughts On The Web

BLOG ~ short for web log ~ a web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments and, often, hyperlinks by the writer.

Never would I have imagined myself creating a blog. I am from the generation that learned to type on a manual typewriter....was around when microwaves were sold door to door....still had rotary telephones.....and who took forever to convince her mother to let her wear panty hose instead of those gosh awful garter nightmares!!!

Actually, I already had 3 pages done....but I did not care for the direction I was going in...so, I am rerouting!!! All I will say is this....my life has been hard....has left many scars on my heart...and much pain and sadness. I thought that I would talk about those things...but have decided that I would much rather let this be a place of peace and share blessings...for I do have so many of those as well.